Anxious

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4: 6-7

As many times as I've read and memorized and been reminded of this particular passage, you would have thought that I have actually learned it by now. If it were only that easy...oh, the disadvantages of being a human.

I'm particularly anxious about grad school tonight. I haven't blogged in a while, have I? I started graduate school this past August and it's a year-long program. It's crazy...and that's saying it nicely. I've already finished 3 classes and am in the midst of taking 4. At the same time, I might add. The advantage of being in a year-long program is that I'll be finished at the end of this July. The disadvantage is that I'm stressed out most of the time. It's a great program and I'm learning a lot, but I still have not learned how to not procrastinate. I think I've learned sometimes, but it never actually sinks in. I'm not sure if I'm just too stubborn, or if it's simply the human thing again.

But back to my anxiety...

Right now, I think, my struggle is with my worth. Having to write papers constantly has made me more critical of myself. That sounds like a good thing, but I'm not sure if it is. I had a paper due tonight and while I was doing a final read-over, I began to question everything I had been writing over the past few days. I just kept thinking to myself, "this is horrible" "this is NOT what she's going to want" "I'm going to make an awful grade and be super embarrassed because I'm stupid". It got so bad that I finally just had to submit it.

"No mortal comprehends its worth; it cannot be found in the land of the living" Job 28:13

"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than sparrows." Luke 12:7

Why am I constantly consumed with how the world views my worth over how my SAVIOR views my worth?

So the conclusion I came to while I was driving home?
I suck.
I completely suck.
I fall so short.
CONSTANTLY. Every minute of every hour of every day.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

I don't even think this really makes sense how I wrote it. But the Lord knows my heart. He knows me better than I know myself. I just needed to write something that I wasn't going to overthink and overanalyze.

Lord, I'm asking for your help. I ask you to forgive me for telling you I didn't need your help and that I think I can do things on my own. Without you, I don't know how I could function.